If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
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Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Cucumbers Anonymous
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?