The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
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vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️