“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
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Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
There is no try. There is only give up.
Respect
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS