As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
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My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.