My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
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Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Mornin. * use accordingly
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
One venti cheeseburger please.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too