Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
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transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Interior design 👌
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards