Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
You Might Also Like
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa