41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
You Might Also Like
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Warm pools make me nervous.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.