I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
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i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
I love it all
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Goat cheese is for herders.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.