Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
You Might Also Like
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
📽️movie date🎞️
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.