MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
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For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
I bet
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.