robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
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“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
liiiiiiiiike
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin