Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
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Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge