GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
You Might Also Like
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
lmao
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..