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if they played poker with potato chips I鈥檇 have a gambling problem
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
It sucks when you鈥檙e stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what鈥檚 going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won鈥檛 be your idea.
I unironically love this joke.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he鈥檚 already seen me kill that week
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
馃檶馃徎馃槀馃槀馃槶馃ぃ
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Number of times I鈥檝e cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I鈥檝e thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
you: let鈥檚 get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let鈥檚 catch this rye
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Me: Well, I鈥檓 off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You鈥檙e a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.