Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
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Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
#gardening
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.