Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
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Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
thank god the sign was there
just gave your address to some spiders
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
I told my vodka about you.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.