My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
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ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.