Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
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My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Who does Amazon think I am?
I get distracted pretty eas