*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
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About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
A bold strategy
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath