[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
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kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second