Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
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Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”