Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
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[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
when u come home smelling like another dog
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.