I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
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[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
What the dentist sees
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances