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Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
This trial is so absurd 😭
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
S O O N
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
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I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.