You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
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that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”