Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
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I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Cats are still liquid.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.