wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
You Might Also Like
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh