4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
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I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
This kid is going places
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors