Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
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The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
I can’t be the only one 😂
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
You know…for fall…
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.