I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
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What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.