“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
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“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.