Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
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You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you