“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
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9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now