me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
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I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me: