Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
You Might Also Like
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
I don’t think my car can fly
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Breaking news:
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family