FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
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It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.