Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
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Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
This 4th of July, please remember…
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
i think my razor is having a panic attack
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes