#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
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I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
What the hell happened in there??
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord