In banana years, I am bread.
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Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?