Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
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LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Me trying to walk in a dream
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”