Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
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Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.