cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
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“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Velcrow
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again