“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
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GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Thursday Thought.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.