I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
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My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
philosophical skeletons be like
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No