If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
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Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
it was a valiant fight
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.