I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
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“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can