Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
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If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.