You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
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Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Only Americans understand
yeah not falling for this one
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !