[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
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Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
i wish i could marry a nap
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?